Saturday, August 30, 2008

If I Were an American Idol


Someday, I would like to start a punk band.

I would like to start a punk band that has inaudbile lyrics, that plays short, fast and loud. We would be using nothing more than three chords in songs that last no more than a few seconds. Maybe there would be a drum intro or a base interlude. One thing is for sure, there would be no solos, only single note guitar riffs thrown into a song here and there to break up the monotony. I would call my band The Ted Kennedys or Class Suspect. Jello Biafra would be my effigy and Kurt Cobain my figurehead. I would pick a fight with Henry Rollins, get an autograph from Jerry Only and give the middle finger to Metallica.

I would drape an American flag over our touring gear, the red, white and blue would be the only color on our black stage and black amps. We would wear black suits and ties w/ white shirts and dark sunglasses. We would look like cast rejects from a Tarantino movie. We would perform in a moderately-sized concert hall behind a chain link fence. We would be a trio, nothing more, nothing less. No fancy drum kits or machines, no frilly keyboards, no lead guitar. Just the three of us.

I would perform with my back constantly facing the crowd only to turn around for the occasional acknowlegment. Our shows would be simple, get on stage, get off stage. No commercials, no product placement, no thanking the opening act, no words, just one song after the other, straightforward and to-the-point. If we did a good job and the audience wanted an encore, I would return to the stage only to retrieve my guitar, so that no one would steal it. We would tune our own guitars and set up our stage. We would play behind red spot lights that shine behind us, perhaps a stroble light facing out toward the crowd would be in order.

In the end, we would be nothing more than a no-name, talentless, rip off punk band playing the same three recycled chords every other punk band played before us. However, we would be different, we would play the same three chords, but we would play them in the wrong order.

No comments: